It has been 10 years since you died. Your heart attack and stroke combined made it impossible for you to continue living. Late on the evening December 22nd of 2007, you passed with your siblings, me, and other members of the family all coming to give our final goodbyes. Since then, a lot has happened with me that I’ve told you teary eyed as I talk to myself driving on California interstates merely just to get out of the house, something you taught me. But a lot has happened because of the things I passively learned by being your son. Things that can’t be taught as well as they can be observed. So here they are, things you taught me that I didn’t realize until the years following your unexpected death.
Read The Room
Over the years one thing that has always helped me inch forward in my success and life was the ability to “read the room”. Looking someone in the eye as you shake their hand is customary, but reading their cheek bones, clothes, tone of “nice to meet you”, I attribute that skill to you.
Time and time again I’ve had people tell me how much of a joy you were to have at parties, events, work, hell I even thought my friends liked you more than me at times. But it was the little things you did that made that happen. In the last 10 years I’ve realized a few bullet points that have never failed me based on observing how you interacted with others.
Inflect upward when first meeting someone. A monotone “hello” as you exchange a handshake can give a bad first impression, whereas “Hi nice to meet you Matt” with an ending on a tone higher than where you started will often times leave a lasting impression.
A name is one of the most important things a person has, and remembering it and using it early and often will create a stronger relationship. Don’t pretend you heard their name in that crowded bar, ask for it again and repeat it back.
Introduce your company. If you’ve brought a guest to an event and you’re saying hello to your previous acquaintances, before diving into any conversation make sure your guests have been introduced. There’s nothing quite worst sitting idly aside as your friend talks to people you don’t know and in a place you’ve never been.
Just be yourself. Overtime, people tend to interact with the same types of people after many trial and errors. If being yourself means you’re incompatible with that type of person, it’s merely a data point and that you can move on to others. This can extend as far as a mismatch in values or even their jokes just aren’t that funny. Being yourself is the only way to really find your clique yet people love to go the other way and try to change who they are inevitably shackling their personality to peoples expectations.
These bullet points came from several situations where I saw you meet new people. Whether it was for work, meeting my friends parents, or just a random conversation at the grocery store, you had a way of making people feel better after they met you.
Do Things For Yourself by Yourself
One thing that has actually taken a long time for me to truly realize it’s value has been doing things for yourself, by yourself. Having friends that you can spend countless hours with and not hate each other is great, however, the person you spend your whole life with is yourself. It stands to reason you should do something with yourself too. I realize in hindsight that you did this fairly constantly. While I didn’t approve of how much sometimes as your son, they’re valuable to recognize and practice.
One of the most prominent memories in my mind of “you doing you” was camping in Kennedy Meadows. Every summer you’d drive us to the Sierra Nevada’s for at least a week to fish, camp, and sit by the fire playing Uno with grandma. Without fail, you’d leave us and go fish the Stanislaus river alone, beers in stored in your fishing vest (which I still have and wear when I fish now). I think you just enjoyed the catharsis brought out by the sound of the river, a tight line, and your beer. It’s taken me years to understand the value of doing something by yourself, but thinking back to you walking back with a smile on your face and trout dangling from your fathers stringer, that memory alone makes me remember to do it more often.
I used to think doing something for yourself had to be big and expensive. A trip to Europe, getting a massage at a spa, or even buying a new television. What I have only recently realized though, is reading on the couch with a glass of water and a candle that crackles as it burns is just as great.
Practice Being Creative
You loved Christmas. Every year we’d drive Garrison street in San Diego to look at the other people’s homes that also get very into Christmas decorations. The Christmas spirit also kicked you into your creativity gear for a month.
I remember complaining about having to go to Michael’s (the arts & crafts store) to shop for the tiny little ceramic buildings that were plain white. We’d traverse the aisles looking for paints, hot glue gun supplies, and homes for ants. After the dreadful trip you’d take hours to paint the ceramic homes with whatever you felt made the most sense. You did this for a dozen of pieces at least every year. We’d attach Christmas tree holders and drape them from our Noble fir we had gotten for the year or arrange them on fake snow in the living room.
I only bring this up because it ties into something that makes me who I am. I love being creative. Whether its playing my Trumpet, making a website, or finding a unique way out in a tight situation in Halo, I’ve always loved being creative. The simple acts of creativity that you involved me in during your life led me to be this way. If you didn’t push me to be a musician, I wouldn’t have done Drum Corps, which is, by and large, why I am successful.
Mental Health Can Ruin Your Life
I wish you were alive for me to tell you this, but its one of the reasons passed away in the first place in my mind. But stress and anxiety will ruin your life. It will debilitate you more than anyone can properly explain with words. But, at the same time, I learned this from you.
Our last few years together were anything but golden arches mom. I think we can both agree on that. We fought, yelled, slammed doors, ran away, called relatives complaining… you name it, we probably did it.
A lot of this stemmed from a lack of money, which stemmed from not working. A lot of it also stemmed from me having bad grades. A lot of it might be because of booze. While speculating what exactly caused it 10 years later benefits no one, the truth of the matter was, I saw the affects of you being stressed, depressed, and anxious until your last day.
It became obvious I knew what was going on with you years ago when I started to feel the same way. I wanted to sleep anytime of the day for hours. I drank a lot. I would have outbursts at games I used to love to play. I’d get frustrated at petty things. My head would hurt for no reason. I’d cry out of nowhere by myself.
Having seen the affects of these in the longer term first hand, I’ve made it a first priority to always fix them first. It took a rough start to 2017 to make this a real priority. However, I can confidently say I have the tools and resources necessary to combat my own brain when it decides to throw a tantrum. This is only because I unfortunately saw you struggle with it but not know how to fix it, or the willingness sometimes. I wish I could tell you what I know now, when you were going through it too.
Farewell
A decade ago, I said my final farewell to you. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever endured. But I’m constantly thanking you to this day for the things you taught me without knowing it. You’ll never know the lasting effects of me playing an instrument, searching “how to make a website”, or reading a room as I walk in. All of which stemmed from the wonderful times we had together.
Thank you, Mom
Sincerely, Robert